The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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