How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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