I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
