I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
