I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
