I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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