I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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