I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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