dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
