birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
