I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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