I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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