I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
