He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
