My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
