My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
