i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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