I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
