i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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