i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
