See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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