mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
