considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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