i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
