Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
