We're facebook friends in real life
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
