When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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