Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
