I think i peed on brittanys purse
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
