She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
