who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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