i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
