the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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