is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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