I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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