Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
