i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
