My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
