Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
