Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
