guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
