I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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