I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
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