there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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