Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i dont even know how to be here
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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