my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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