I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
