lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
