my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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