mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
babies were throwing up all over the place
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
