i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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