3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
